Category Archives: Holiday Greetings

If I Wrote Mother’s Day Cards…

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I hate buying Mother’s Day cards.  They’re so treacly, so very sweet that spending more than 15 minutes in the Hallmark store will outright kill a diabetic.  This is completely true, I swear.  Sadly, as is common nowadays, I have two moms to celebrate on Mother’s Day.  And neither one of them is really the squishy marshmallow type Hallmark writers write cards for.

MOM: I have a great mom.  I mean she’s kinda batshit crazy sometimes, but overall she’s fantastic and she has a very loving and kind heart.  Besides raising me and my siblings (no mean feat, as we’re all really obnoxious, each in our special unique way), she also used to be considered an expert marksman.  Back in the day, my momma was something else.  She was a female cop in Georgia in the 70s when it was still considered appropriate to sexually harrass female cops.  She was CSI before Gil Grissom made it all broody and sexy. (By the way, crime scene unit techs don’t actually interrogate suspects, also, according to my mom, those actors on CSI have terrible fingerprint examination techniques, and also?  Most CSIs don’t have to carry the maglight everywhere on account of how they turn the lights on when conducting investigations.) There are downsides to a mom so acquainted with the darker side of human nature.  If I was even 20 minutes late getting home from an outting with my friends, my mom would drag out the crime scene photos and remind me that they “didn’t think anything bad would happen to them, either.”  My sister was once pulled over by a cop for speeding-it’s bad enough getting a ticket, but multiply that by ten when the first thing the officer does is call your mom.  We also developed cast iron stomachs.  How could you not when we all discussed crimes scenes over dinner?  There are exceptions to my ability to maintain my composure in the midst of extreme grossness, most notably the people who ruined no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies and thousand island dressing for me forever (you know who you are…) but by and large I’m okay talking about how squishy brains are while eating spaghetti at the same time.  When she quit the police, my mom went and got a masters and Ph.D. in English and Writing respectively.  She parlayed her CSU experience into a fairly successful career as a crime procedure novelist.  She never hit the NYT Bestsellers, but she did manage to amass some very loyal readers, and to this day I get a kick out of seeing any of her 15+ published books at the library.  She is older now, still kind of goofy, and still says and does off-the-wall stuff.  She is anything except conventional but Hallmark doesn’t sell those types of cards.

STEPMOM: And then there’s the monster.  Don’t let the pejorative fool you.  I love this cranky woman to pieces.  She drives me nuts-hyper critical, hyper-judgmental, major control freak, and yet…  You all probably know that one person who acts all mean and cranky, but deep down inside there’s massive bunches of carameley gooey sweet awesomeness.  The monster is that someone for me.  Once she loves you, she loves you for life.  You’re part of her tribe and no matter how much she thinks your outfit is stupid or you’re an idiot for some course of action you just took, she will defend the crap out of you to anyone else who dares try to shut you down.  Better, she will support you when you start to give up.  I mean, it can be exasperating to hear her go on and on about how I should be probably be doing something else other than the thing I am doing, but try to quit and she’s the first person to build me back up.  She’s also funny, like wicked hilarious.  She can laugh at herself better than most people I know.  Just try to tell her she’s awesome, though, and she snarks.  But deep down inside where the goo lives?  She kinda likes that I think she’s kinda awesome.  As for “monster.”  Well, that name came about when I was in high school and she wouldn’t let me do something I wanted to do.  I slammed the door and screamed out that she was a wicked stepmonster.  And then, well, we both just kinda cracked up at that.  She’s been my monster ever since.  The only one I could ever love.

So to my mom, thank you for showing me by example that being true to myself is the coolest, and frankly, the only way to be.  You let your crazy freak flag fly and that makes you mighty.

To my monster, I’ll be sure and reload the Sonic card for mother’s day. Or at least I’ll give you the card back along with $5.00.  Because you are just the kind of odd to think that’s a really cool gift.

Because the truth is that in my family, Mother’s Day is a completely unnecessary holiday.  Every day is Mother’s Day.

Take that, Hallmark.

Happy New Year!!

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I have a very difficult time letting work go.  I don’t know why this is.  I mean I had an entire week off-paid-that wasn’t deducted from my vacation pool-yet, I kept logging on to check work email and answer questions from students.  I need to let this shizz go.  And even with that, when I got back to work yesterday I had over 300 emails to contend with (started off with 250, but every time I answered one, I got another).  So I worked a very long day yesterday.  Today?  Not so much.  My goal is go home before 6:00.  I think I can do it.  🙂

Hope you and yours had a GREAT holiday season and wish you the best for a most excellent 2011 (that feels weird typing that…)!!!

How I Spent My Memorial Day Holiday

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So, I know the only updates I’ve done lately have been Glee Reviews (and I’ll try to keep those going for the two of you who read them-not like it’s painful seeing as how much I really love that show/and we’re talking a Buffy the Vampire Slayer type of devotion here), so I thought I’d blupdate up.  I had a good Memorial Day weekend.  I had dinner with two of the parental units and some family friends over at Nick’s.  Nick’s is not actually called Nick’s-I don’t think I even know what the actual name of the restaurant is, but Nick owns it and Nick’s it will always be.  Terrific food.  Terrific conversation.  Saturday, I did a whole bunch of yardwork with the monster and Dad-weeding mostly, but since we haven’t really done much in the way of weeding since last October, it was really bad.  We also mulched, plus there was some type of ick behind the nandinas on the west wall.  Not mushrooms exactly, but something fungusy and nasty, so I dug it out and Dad treated it.  After that I was just tired.  It was in the upper 90s all weekend and really humid and I kind of just wilted.  You know, like a southern flower in the Texas heat.  Heh.  Anyway, we went out to “Lupper,” otherwise known as the meal you eat when it’s too late for lunch, but too early for supper.  The monster wanted to grill but I balked because it was too hot outside and I needed to cool down, at which she pointed out that Dad was the one who would be grilling, not me.  Only one look at Dad’s face convinced her going out was the better option.  Went to bed kind of early that night and slept like the proverbial rock.  Sunday, aside from the usual routine, I went and saw a movie-The Prince of Persia-with mah bestie.  It was not nearly as sucky as I expected it to be (the movie, I mean, not the bestie).  It was the same kind of cheesy, yet hugely entertaining that the Mummy movies are.  I really liked it.  Monday, I spent most of the day with Foi and we had a really great day.  Went to the Half Price Books of Life in Dallas and saw another movie, Letters to Juliet, which I really, really liked.  This guy is really just kinda dreamy.  He has a great smile.  Don’t usually go for blonds, but…  Just saying.  Anyway, good weekend.  Hard to come back to work.  Which segues us to work.  Yeah, this is a really busy job.  Keeps me very busy, which is good because it makes the day go by faster.  But bad because it’s hard to fit in enough break-time for a blupdate.  🙂

Glee tonight, so I’ll post my letter to the show tomorrow…

National Talk Like a Pirate Day

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I can’t believe I’m even doing this, but apparently chauceriangirl’s enthusiasm is catching.  Today, good friends and foes (scalawags) is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.  So go ahead and find yer inner pirate.  Argh!  Or if all else fails, just find yourself some Capt’n Jack and prepare for boarding…

And who is my Inner Pirate?  Three guesses and the first two don’t count and the last one will cost you yer guts…argh…(ya’ll I’m lousy at this talkin’ like a pirate thing…)

You are The Cap’n!
Some women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man – or woman – you couldn’t eviscerate. You are the definitive WO-Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You’re mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that’s his problem, now isn’t? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones’ locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed – a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.


brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

What’s Yer Inner Pirate?

Happy V-Day

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Being a singleton, I can be a little eye-ball rolly when it comes to Valentines Day.  I’m told by my monster that I’m probably just jealous.  This is possibly true, but honestly all that shiny, happy love in one place is enough to “make me toss my heart shaped cookies!”  (Thanks, chauceriangirl for the e-card) 

So I’ll spare you any residual bitterness (’cause it’s really just me being cranky for no good reason) and mention that it’s also V-Day-a day when hundreds of colleges and professional theatres across the country produce The Vagina Monologues as part of a global effort to end violence against women and girls.  If you’ve never seen this play, you really should.  It’s a little uncomfortable at times, true (My vagina is a shell…).  But by the end, you feel pretty damn empowered just by being a woman or being a man who loves women.  It’s a kick-ass feeling.

So Happy V-Day.  And while we’re at it, Equality Now would be a way better Valentine’s Day gift than flowers or chocolates.  Not that there’s anything wrong with flowers and chocolates….  🙂

The Official Catching Up After Vacation Post (or what I did over Christmas break)

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I’m so glad Christmas is over.  I have nothing against the holiday in general, but like my three sisters, I think our shared pre-Christmas Christmas was way better than the real deal.  That was super-fun.  I would never have expected the simple act of exchanging gifts and losing spectacularly at Scene It could be so ridiculously entertaining. 

So what did I do with my two weeks? Well, in no particular order, I-

  • slept
  • read a biography of Jane Austen
  • slept some more
  • ate entirely too many firecrakers (spicy oyster crackers a’la Judy-SO damn good)
  • did three treadmill workouts (I’d feel more virtuous about this except I’d promised myself I’d do way the hell more…)
  • slept some more
  • had a kick ass Christmas celebration with my girls
  • had a kick assless Christmas day with the extended family-sort of dull but Joe’s mashed potatoes were really yummy and good conversation with s
  • broke the garage door opener (okay, it possibly wasn’t me but it totally worked before I tried using it)
  • waited a really long time for the repairman to come and install the new garage door opener
  • broke the new garage door opener (not really-the repairman forgot a few essential steps in the installation process)
  • waited a really long time for the repairman to come and repair his repair job
  • re-read Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series (foi and l-squared, you both suck for getting me hooked on that)
  • watched atonement on the big screen-cried
  • slept some more
  • tried to watch juno on the big screen, but the time listed in the paper didn’t so much match the actual time juno actually started-saw the very next movie showing instead-P.S. I Love You-with the intention of mocking it and wound up actually liking it a little, which made the mocking no less fun (I did not either cry!!!  Prove it!!!!!).  Besides there are so many really good shoes in that movie.  I mean that.  Good shoes.
  • slept some more
  • watched the first two discs of Gilmore Girls season 6 (thank you foi!!!!!!)
  • complained about not being able to afford any other seasons currently on sale at Target
  • went and bought seasons 1 and 2 anyway (note to self-make new year’s resolution re: impulse buying)
  • watched first two discs of Gilmore Girls season 1
  • took big yellow dogs to the vet-Baxter cried which made me cry too
  • slept some more
  • went through my closet and got rid of all the shoes I can no longer wear thanks to the ($#&% heel spur
  • kept the slutty black slingbacks anyway-what’s a little pain now and again?
  • went to christmas eve church and gave guilt money for collection (note to self-make new year’s resolution to attend church more often)
  • tried sleeping some more but the monster kept waking me up
  • made the annual after-Christmas excursion to B&N to purchase calendars half-price-got a Shakespeare quotations calendar
  • read the newspaper every single day
  • tried to create a coherent blog post using every single banned word for 2007.  Gave up half-way through (I challenge you foi, as you are the master and are also AWESOME-one of the banned words)
  • tried sneaking a nap-was busted by the monster, and what’s with the anti-nap ‘tude anyway?
  • ate New Year’s Eve dinner with Dad, the monster, family friends and friend of our family friend-had a good time because the server was really cute and flirted with me-sure, it was all about his tip, but I paid up, ya’ll.  It was quality flirting.

And that is what I did over Christmas break.

Work was freaking insane today-so much to catch up on, but I got a lot done and am feeling better about tomorrow.  The Official In With the New Year Out With the Old post coming soon…