izzybella

I had trouble sleeping last night-my mind wouldn’t shut up.  I don’t know if it’s the darkness or the solitude, but every little problem past and present seems magnified at two in the morning. 

Yesterday, I obtained a copy of my credit report-I do that every year just to review and make sure everything looks good.  I noticed that a joint account I shared with my ex-husband that I thought was closed, wasn’t.  It’s not a huge deal as he’s been paying on the loan, but it should have been closed after the divorce.  I called the bank and they were very courteous, but refused to take my name off the loan since there was a balance owed still.  They recommended I contact J, which is rather difficult for me seeing as how I don’t even know where he lives, much less do I have his phone number.  So they tried calling him and they’re writing him a letter to let him know that he needs to close that loan out and open a new one in his own name.  It’s not a huge issue-J is perfectly reasonable and a decent person.  I’m sure he’ll take care of it.  It’s just that it got me thinking about things.

Most people don’t go into marriage with a contingency plan-I certainly didn’t.  I married him because I loved him.  But I made a lot of mistakes in that marriage that I wish I could take back.  Too late now, obviously.  But at two o’clock in this morning I was curled up in a ball agonizing over stupid things I have done.  Not just in my marriage, but in general.

One thing led to another and I had a mental list going.  It started with J, extended to mistakes I have made with family and with friends, snaked it’s slimy way back to high school (my twenty year reunion, which I can’t go to, is at the end of the month) and all the stupid things I did there.  People I hurt.  Opportunities I didn’t take.  People I could have saved.  Choices I made or should have made-the ways my life was harder because of some ill-advised action on my part.  My relationship, or lack thereof, with God and how I’m angry at Him, and that is the most pointless thing of all–to be angry at God.  But there it is. 

So what do I do?  Do I forget about the two o’clock in the morning despair and say “hey, it’s morning, everything is much better,” or do I do something with the despair?  I guess I’m lucky that I can still feel, that I have a home and family and friends who care deeply for me.  I really hate that 2 o’clock in the morning feeling.