izzybella

Well, that has to be the longest blog title of my blogging career.  But it’s pretty accurate in terms of how I’m feeling these days.  School is harder this time than it was before.  I”m not emotionally there and mentally, my brain  just hurts.  I have an exam tomorrow (and by the by, what kind of sadistic professor plans a major exam for the Monday *after* Spring Break?  Did I blink or is that something a cold, cold person would do?)  I don’t like this class particularly-neither the subject matter nor the professor are remotely appealing.  So it’s a chore to study for.  But let’s face it-last time I was in school I was studying theatre.  I love theatre.  That’s not even work.  That’s like paying a five-year-old to color all day.  Woo and hoo!!!  This…is work.  Social work.  I really don’t want to make money, do I?  But here’s the long and short of it.  I’m not having any fun.  I don’t find direct practice remotely enjoyable.  I don’t get into psychology and all that crap.  I can barely deal with my own stuff, so I hardly feel equipped to counsel others.  And you know, sometimes, the answer is “suck it up, dude.”  But apparently that’s verbotin (is that the right word?) in social work.  You’re supposed to be all empathetic and understanding and, while I do consider myself to be both of those things, I’m honest enough with myself that I can’t be those things to all people.  So, here it is.  I’m going to take Macro practice this summer (working with community organizations).  If I loathe the macro level as much as the micro level, I’m going to cut it off before I even finish the foundation courses.  Because I can’t spend three years studying topics that hold no interest for me.

But see, that raises a whole new set of conundrums, most specifically, do I even know what the hell I want or who the hell I’m supposed to be?  Yeah, yeah, child of God, I get all that, but really, it’s like I have no idea who I am.  And if that isn’t the most narcisisstic (I never spell that word right) whiny problem ever, I don’t know what is.  ‘Cause it’s not all about me, me, me.  There are people working with truly difficult situations who have way better attitudes than me (hi, James and Sherri).  So I should just suck it up, no?  Yes? 

I’ll figure it out eventually.

Last weekend while working at the theatre, the Red Bull truck pulled up and offered everyone in the lobby a free can of Red Bull. I’ve never had Red Bull, but hey, supposedly it gives you wings and usually on Tuesdays I’m really low energy on account of spending all day Monday in class (till 9). So I gratefully accepted the free can and decided to save it till today (Tuesday) for an official Red Bull expirement. Since I’m low energy on Tuesdays it was the perfect opportunity.

Unfortunately the Red Bull Experiment was cut short due to the truly heinous nasty taste of Red Bull. It tastes like what I imagine foot would taste like. It’s just wrong. I managed to force half a can down before I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I think you are supposed to down the whole thing in three or four big gulps, but it’s a no-go.

I will say that the half can did not give me half-wings. I’m no more or less energetic than usual for a Tuesday. So, anyway. Red Bull? Not so much.

…because all my thoughts are just so random. 

Last weekend I went to a benefit for a co-worker whose mother lost her house in a fire.  The object was to raise money but the object was disguised by the dinner, dance, and good time had by all.  What I absolutely sublimely enjoyed seeing was this old couple who were dancing together the entire night–you could just tell that they’ve danced together thousands of times before.  They moved in perfect sync and they touched each other just so on the arm or the shoulder and I just got that impression that here was a couple who was comfortable with each other, but still sparked.  It made me really happy.  Much needed because school is making me…

…stressed.  Really, really stressed.  I have papers to write and projects to do and it’s really interfering with other things I want to do, like self-improve and see movies and hang out with friends.  Stupid school making me work for my ‘A’.  The very idea.

This morning I got green lights all the way from home to work.  I get really happy when I have green light karma because the reverse is the norm.  Red lights.  Especially when I’m running late.  Plus I hit the train tracks and have to stop.  The train is much bigger than me so of course I give way.  But I’d rather go, go, go.  So yay for green lights.  I humbly accept this gift from the universe.  Gracias.  Or just to irritate any Spanish speakers…garcias, seenyor.  And that right there probably cost me my remaining karma.  I’m sure I’ll get red lights all the way home tonight. 

On that note, I should get back to work.  Just thought I’d check in alive.  It’s a good thing.