Archive for March, 2008

“Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?”

{ March 27, 2008 @ 9:24 pm } · { Can't Stop the Serenity, Equality Now, Momentum, Musings, My Friends, My Sisters and Me, Theatre, thursday 13, work }
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I enjoyed my time off.  I would love some more.  I’m greedy, huh?  I managed to accomplish most of the things I listed in my Thursday Thirteen.  There was sleeping in.  There was much fun hanging out with the one and only Chaucerian Girl (TM).  I got see L2 for a little while.  Went to book club and saw my lovely friends.  I finished Dexter (I like).  I baked cookies-double chocolate fudge and lemon chillers.  I read some books-no classics, exactly, but I finished The 13th Tale and I bought a Candace Havens book for some silly fun.  Took a nice, long, soaky bath.  Did some meditation.  Did some yoga.  Walked, but without dogs (Syd’s allergies are acting up again and I couldn’t walk Baxter and not Sydney).  I never quite got around to the movie or the pedicure.  I’d planned on doing that the last day, but I got hit with a severe migraine and spent most of the day with the lights off and a pillow over my head.  I’m convinced it was my body saying, “no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Don’t WANNA go back to work!!!”  Stupid body.  It could have had lunch with friends, gotten a pedicure, and seen a movie. 

Got back yesterday and was slammed at work.  I pretty much worked through lunch and still didn’t get everything finished before I went home.  I should be all caught up by the end of the day today, though.  I’ll even have time to take a lunch and go get my truly filthy truck cleaned.  It’s caked with mud and grime.  I have no idea how it got that way-I didn’t even notice it till I walked out of the office yesterday to go home. 

Going to be a busy weekend.  I’m filling in at the theatre I used to do box office for because their entire box office staff is unavailable.  I’m working Friday night, Saturday morning and night, and the Sunday matinee.  Plus Saturday, I have to go to Dallas.  Last year when I went to the Can’t Stop the Serenity event, I had such a good time that I emailed the organizer and offered my services for this year.  So I got an email from him yesterday and it looks like I get to be on the committee for that.  We’re having our first meeting in between the Saturday morning and evening shifts for the Theatre.  I’m really excited about being on that committee and getting to make a difference for Equality Now.  I get the impression it’s a lot of work, but I think it will also be very fun and rewarding.  So looking forward to that.

Between that, work, and the upcoming Teen Conference I also am on the planning committee for, it’s going to be a busy few months.  I think I’m relieved MoMentuM pushed back our season a little bit.  And then after that?  Maybe another vacation…

Weekend Buzzkill

{ March 24, 2008 @ 4:09 am } · { Parents, rant }
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One of the very best things about the weekend is those few, brief, precious moments I get to spend doing absolutely NOTHING.  Just reclining on the sofa, flipping through a magazine until I fall asleep-and not deep sleep-it’s that drowsy, relaxed wonderful comfy feeling.  I’m warm.  The dog’s snoring isn’t even bugging me-it’s more like we’re sharing this wonderfully perfect, quiet moment.  And then…

Incoming raging stepmonster.  Pathologically incapable of sitting still for longer than 15 minutes at a time.  And I can’t have that perfect quiet moment while she’s running around hanging wreaths and dusting and picking up dog hair.  I’ve already told her I’ll vacuum and sweep tomorrow, yet there she was picking up dog hair by hand all over the house.  Ya’ll, that’s a losing battle.  We have two yellow labs and they shed.  A lot.  So I ended my perfect quiet moment and swept the front porch while she poked and prodded at the wreath till it was just so.  I reminded her that the fancy vacuum cleaner she paid too much for will do a better job picking up the dog hair than her little two mitts.  Then I took out the garbage and now I’m hiding in the computer room.  She’s finally sitting.  For about 13 more minutes.

Freaking buzzkill.

Thursday Thirteen

{ March 20, 2008 @ 9:03 pm } · { thursday 13 }
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Thirteen Things about IZZYBELLA.  What the hey-I hardly ever do the 13, but I feel all inspired.  You see, my vacation begins TODAY.  Spring break and all, plus a little extra next week.  All those days off just begging to be taken advantage of.  So without further ado, here are thirteen things I plan on doing with my time off:

1. Sleeping in.  I love to sleep in.  I will confess that sleeping in means something different to me now in my 30s than it did in my teens.  Back then I could sleep in till 11:00 or 12:00 in the afternoon.  Sleeping in was like a competitive sport and I was a freaking gold medalist.  Nowadays sleeping in means 7:30 or 8:00, which is cool.  Nothing wrong with that.

2. At least once I plan on taking a long jacuzzi bath instead of a shower. 

3. I will visit the library and check out at least one classic I’ve always wanted to read and I will read it.  I will balance that by also checking out one truly trashy novel and reading it as well.

3. I will finish watching the first season of Dexter and will officially make up my mind whether or not I like it.

4. I will get together with the one and only Chaucerian Girl (TM) for a morning of shopping (jewelry! books!) and a lunch at the Cosmic Cafe. 

5. I will get together with the classiest women I know (Jehara, Amethyst, L2, and the aforementioned one and only Chaucerian Girl TM) for book club.  And possibly liquor.  ;)

6. I will take both my adorable yellow labs for good, long, slow walks and I will NOT complain when they drop it someone’s yard and I have to clean it up.  Because they’re adorable dogs.  I mean that.

7. There will be quiet time.  LOTS of it.  That means daily meditation and yoga without interruptions from my monster, who has the uncanny ability to posit exactly when I most need silence and then talk all the way through it…

8. I will go to at least one movie, which at this point in time will most likely be “Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day.”  Because it looks frothy and fun. 

9. At least once, I will go to Sonic during Happy Hour and buy a large diet sprite with grape.  Yum. 

10. I will text L2 as often possible, the following message: “so…are you?”  This is an experiment to see how many different ways she can devise to change the subject.

11. One word.  Pedicure. 

12.  I will read the newspaper every day-starting with national and local news and ending with the comics–my reward for reading all the depressing stuff….

13. I will sleep in every day.  What?  I can mention it twice.  It just shows how serious I am about it.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Shoulda Knocked On Wood

{ March 19, 2008 @ 9:03 pm } · { work }
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The day after I preen over being on time all week, I show up 8 minutes late.  It was the hair, people…I have a lot of hair and it takes a long time to get it just right.  And also, there was a train.  And a flat tire.  And a car wreck.  And a traffic jam.  And a malfunctioning traffic signal.

 Kidding.  There was actually only bad hair.  But I’m still mad at myself for ruining a perfectly good on-time streak.

Cautiously Optimistic-Resolution Updates

{ March 18, 2008 @ 9:09 pm } · { Goals, resolutions }
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I’ve been taking the anti-depressants for almost two weeks now and I’m noticing a slight improvement.  The doom and gloom is much less gloomy.  I was worried about insomnia, but thus far (knock on wood), it’s not the biggest side effect I’m dealing with.  In fact, I’ve managed to get myself out of bed early enough that I’ve been on time for work the last 4 work days.  Anyone who knows me well knows that’s quite a feat.  I’m always at least 10 minutes late and usually 15 to 20.  As my Dad says, it’s a good thing I work at an organization that doesn’t really care about that.  But I personally prefer being on time, so this has been nice.  I get to work a few minutes before my official start time and the computer is powered up by 8:00.  I get my emails answered quickly.  It’s just nice.  And unusual.  I could get used to this.

It’s spring break at the university I work at, so it’s been very quiet this week.  Staff doesn’t get the whole week-we’re lucky if we get one day-and this just happens to be a lucky year.  We’re closed Friday and I’m planning on getting all of my normal Saturday tasks completed on Friday, so I can play on Saturday.  I decided to take off Monday and Tuesday too just because.  Originally, I’d planned on going to the beach but it turns out that mini-vacations, even short ones, cost money, a commodity I lack.  But it should be a fun weekend anyway.  For starters, any five day period not spent at the office is already good.  But Saturday, I plan on spending some much needed quality time with the one and only Chaucerian Girl (TM).  I’m really looking forward to that.  Book Club may or may not be held on Saturday also, which means quality time with a truly rocking group of kick-ass classy women.  (I love my friends)  I’m also going to take advantage of the alone time to do some meditation and yoga.  So I’m looking forward to a really good weekend.

So resolution updates-I was supposed to do this on March 11th, but I wasn’t feeling very bloggy.  So here are the updates:

Resolution 1: wherein izzybella becomes healthy.  I’m doing pretty well.  Slow, but that’s okay.  I’m now down 11.6 pounds from the New Year.  Some weeks I don’t lose very much at all, but generally, I have at least a small loss every week.  I’m doing a lot better on the eating right and leaving room for “cheat” moments, otherwise known as real life.  For example, last Friday I had the accept no substitutes Chaucerian Girl (TM) and L to the power of two (cause she’s just that much more L-cool than I am) over for Dexter and pizza.  It was tasty.  The pizza.  I’m still on the fence re: Dexter.  But Saturday morning, I got right back on plan.  Lost one pound for the week.  Also so far I’ve lost about 5” from the body measurements.  Exercise is still where I’m not doing well.  So I’m making a resolution within the resolution that next update I’ll be able to type “yeah!  worked out a ton!!!”  :)

Resolution Two: wherein izzybella becomes financially fit.  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  Sorry, my sense of humor interfered with the update for a moment.  Okay, I’m working on it.  Truthfully, I shouldn’t have quit the second job.  I probably need to get another second job because right now I’m just keeping afloat-not getting ahead.  On the plus side, I still pay every bill on time and it’s been over four years since a creditor has had to call me because I was late or missed a payment.  Also, my credit score, which ten years ago was so dismal I barely got a car loan, is now above the national average.  So, go me.

Resolution Three: wherein izzybella appreciates her job more.  Actually, this is where I’ve made the best strides in the last month.  We used to have a ton of those cardboard bankers boxes piled up on top of our file cabinets, giving my office a closed-in feeling.  My boss got us three new file cabinets, and we consolidated all those bankers boxes into the files.  We also got rid of the white board system for our monthly reports.  The end result is that my office feels less cluttered and stressful.  That inspired me to clean out old files and get rid of stuff I’d been hanging on to.  I’m still in that process, but getting rid of all that clutter makes it easier to concentrate on my assigned tasks.  I’m also making a conscious effort to slow down when I’m on the phone with my clients and really listen to them.  I’ve been doing this for so long that I forget sometimes how confusing the process is.  When I remember back to when I first started, there were so many rules and provisions and exceptions to policy that I thought I’d never understand it.  I’m sort of the guru at it now and on many decisions even my supervisor defers to me.  So I’ve been trying to place myself back ten years ago when I first started and it’s really helped.  I’ve also been remembering how Chaucerian Girl (TM) was so stressed and burned out and felt so helpless at the end.  Family and Protective Services is not an easy job-just listening to them-really hearing them out before I start explaining everything has made it much more pleasurable to talk with them.  So, progress.  Yay!

And that’s where I am.

It’s a lovely day today-rainy, which I happen to like.  It’s coming down cats and dogs right now, but I’m inside warm and snug.  It’s supposed to rain off and on all day and into tomorrow, but the sun should be out by Thursday, round about the same time I leave for my mini-vacation.  The only thing better than a cloudy, stormy, rainy day is the sunshine that peeks out afterwards.  It’s gonna be a good week.

Blogthings

{ March 12, 2008 @ 9:12 pm } · { blogthings }
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You Are Cowboy Boots


This doesn’t mean you’re country, just funky.

You’ve got a ton of attitude and confidence.You’re unique, expressive, and even a little bit wacky.

You wear whatever you feel like – and you have your own sense of style.

You are straight shooting and honest. You tell people how it is.

Low maintenance and free wheeling, you’re always up for an adventure.

You should live: Where you can at least get to wide open spaces

You should work: In a job that allows you to take change

You Are Basil


You are quite popular and loved by post people.

You have a mild temperament, but your style is definitely distinctive.

You are sweet, attractive, and you often smell good.

You Are: 60% Dog, 40% Cat


You are a nice blend of cat and dog.

You’re playful but not too needy. And you’re friendly but careful.

And while you have your moody moments, you’re too happy to stay upset for long.

Your Inner Color is Blue


Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

Your Superpower Should Be Mind Reading


You are brilliant, insightful, and intuitive.

You understand people better than they would like to be understood.

Highly sensitive, you are good at putting together seemingly irrelevant details.

You figure out what’s going on before anyone knows that anything is going on!Why you would be a good superhero: You don’t care what people think, and you’d do whatever needed to be done

Your biggest problem as a superhero: Feeling even more isolated than you do now

Curveballs

{ March 11, 2008 @ 1:44 am } · { Uncategorized }
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When I was about 16, I had a very clear, very specific idea as to how my life would be.  In addition to a successful career in some type of business venture, I would have a husband and children, a dog, and possibly, a Siamese cat.  I would have a masters degree, at least, and maybe even a PhD.  I would have kept my girlish high school figure (size ittle-bitty) and my sense of youth and fun.  I wouldn’t be one of those grown-ups who bitch about teenagers today.  Taking stock, that’s not so much what has happened.

I work in education, not in business.  I do have a bachelor’s degree, but after completing 21 hours of graduate work in education, I was DONE-done with school, with research papers, with pedantic-minded professors who preach the gospel of common sense (something I think I already have plenty of); done with taking out massive school loans for a career that will never pay me enough money to pay them off.  I was just done.  I work in the same administrative position I worked in when I started school.  It’s not a bad place to work, so don’t get me wrong.  It’s just not where I thought I’d be and essentially I can’t climb any higher.  This is it.

I have no husband.  I had one for seven years and I’m not really bitter about any of that.  My ex-husband is a good man and I still have a lot of love and residual affection for him.  I wish him every happiness in the world.  I’ve only dated 3 or 4 men since then and was only remotely serious about one of them.  That one turned out to be a very manipulative, cruel person.  I got my heart broken and it hurt doubly worse because I blamed myself for buying the crap he sold.  I kept thinking I should have known better and my gut told me it wasn’t right, but he gave me something I needed at the time, so I ignored my gut.  Stupid.  I’m doing better where that heartache is concerned, but I won’t deny it set me back hard.  I have a very difficult time trusting in that type of relationship for myself.

I have no children.  I’m not necessarily unhappy about that, but I get occasional twinges.  I realized the other night while out with friends that if I hadn’t miscarried the one time I (thought) I was pregnant (and I’m just assuming here-I was two weeks late and hadn’t gotten a test yet), that child would be a teenager by now.  It’s a strange thought.

 My girlish figure is gone.  Way gone.  It’s possibly in Fiji now.  Not really sure.  I’ve been working hard since the new year to get it back, but it’s slow-going.  It doesn’t help that some of the medications I take have weight-gain side effects.  But I haven’t given up.

I have a dog.  Two of them actually.  So, hey, that’s good.  Although, technically they come with the house I live in (my dad and stepmother’s house).

And oh, hey.  I also live at home.  I pay rent-probably fair market value, in fact-but I still save money because I don’t pay for anything else, including food.  Theoretically, this will enable me to pay off the student loans faster.

Oh, and teenagers?  Yep.  I’ve been known to bitch about them.

The bugger of it is that all of these things didn’t just happen to me.  I’m not a victim.  I made choices and each of those choices had consequences.  So, a lot of the frustration I’m working through right now is sheer anger at myself.  How could I have chosen such stupid things?  I’m a reasonably intelligent person gifted with common sense and the ability to think something through, yet so often I choose to behave reactively instead of proactively (and can I tell you how much I hate the word “proactive?”).  So frequently when I choose a path, I choose wrong, because I let one emotion dictate what I do.  It’s a bad habit.  I like to think of myself as a dispassionate observer-a good actor because I view the very best and the very worst of people and use it on stage.  In truth, if I am a good actor, it’s because I recognize all those traits in myself because I have made the same mistakes time and again.

So, I’m struggling right now.  And capping it off, I come from a family with a history of depression.  So I saw my doctor last week and have been prescribed an antidepressant which I have dutifully been taking since last Friday.  I haven’t really noticed any change yet, but I hear it takes a couple of weeks. 

I’m lucky in that I have a mother, stepfather, father, stepmother, and sisters (biological and otherwise) who love me very much.  I’m aware of that and I’m truly grateful for it.  My family/friends aren’t the cause of my dis-satisfaction.  If anything, they’re the reason I’ve kept hanging on.  I don’t want to be this person who is bitter and resentful and most of all, empty.  I don’t want that at all.  I know I had the big list at 16, but if I could have summed it up in word back then, it would have been “happy.”  I think if all these things-being broke, working a dead-end job, being overweight, living at home-actually gave me some type of joy and satisfaction, my 16 year-old self would be cool with that.  No sweat, you know?  But what I am right now is bitter, resentful, and most of all, empty.

So that’s where I am right now.  If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening.  I’m working on it, I promise.