Why sacreligious? Because I profoundly love the Twilight series and yet I’m about to complain about it a little bit. So let me offer my disclaimer-I borrowed Twilight (all three books) from my sister and never gave them back. I don’t plan on ever giving them back, but I have assured her than she can borrow them whenever she wants. In order to alleviate my guilt over loving the books so much, but never buying them, I even purchased all three of them on CD so I could “read” them in the car during the work commute. Should the local bookstore do a midnight release party for Breaking Dawn, I will be there. And L-to-the-power-of-two, foi, and I have already planned on taking December 12th off from work in order to see the first matinee. We’ll also be doing the midnight release. My point here is that I’m a fan. I check the Twilight Lexicon at least once a day. I have even read the blog of the guy who’s reading Twilight (good blog by the way, check it out). So, though I complain, I do still love. Without further ado, here are some things that have annoyed me on my recent reread of the Twilight series.
1. Someone is always “pursing” their lips. Seriously. Every major character purses their lips at least once per chapter. It seems like it anyway, which begs the question-why don’t these people have a better range of facial expressions? We’re told Bella’s face is an open book, and many other characters are described as expressive. For the love of Edward, they really need to do something besides purse their lips!
2. Why is Bella totally okay with the fact that Edward was so stalkery? I mean, honestly, ladies. If you found out some dude-even a 100+ year old hot vampire with a strong moral streak-had been hanging around your bedroom while you slept without your knowledge and/or permission, wouldn’t you be a little weirded out? I would. I mean, at the very least, Bella could have worked up some righteous indignation before melting like a big pile of slobbery goo. Have some self-respect, B! Get a little mad first, then melt into goo.
3. Since I’m on the subject of Edward, I know he can’t help his mind-reading ability, but it’s sort of another stalkerish aspect of his character. I’m glad Bella has the particular ability of self-containment and privacy because that levels the playing field in their relationship a bit. For the record, should any hot mind-reading vampires with a strong moral streak show any interest in me whatsoever, the deal’s off* if he can read my mind. A girl needs a little privacy, you know what I’m saying? *by “off” I mean, I reserve the right to reconsider should such an event ever occur.
4. Am I the only one annoyed by how Bella always describes someone’s smile? “He smiled his crooked smile” or “he smiled a [insert descriptive word here] smile.” It’s always that. I accept that’s just the way Bella speaks. Certainly after reading The Host, it’s clear to me that Stephenie Meyer is gifted in the way she allows her characters to speak through her, but that particular turn of phrase is almost as grating to me as the constancy with which characters tend to purse their lips. Adverb, Bella. Look it up.
5. Since I picked on Edward and his vaguely stalkerish tendencies, I should share some of that love with Jacob. Dude, when a girl says no, what she means is no. Gentlemen, please. Generally speaking, though I’ll allow there are always some crazies out there, the vast majority of women aren’t kidding when the word “no” escapes their lips. Jacob is guilty of assaulting Bella in a couple of instances and if I were Bella, I would have totally gone for that crowbar. (Okay, not really-I’m a strictly non-violent sort of person, but still…) Also, that half-ass apology he gave was lame. Bella, honey, I know you feel badly after discovering that you did, in fact, love Jacob, even though you still love Edward more. But Jacob sort of brought it on himself, by confusing the word “no” with the word “yes” even though the word “yes” has an extra letter and sounds completely different from the word “no.”
6. Bella, you have an embarrassment of riches. Stop whining. Your life is not that bad. Except for the parts where crimson-eyed vampires hunt you down for the express purpose of drinking your blood and then killing you dead. That part kind of sucks.
So six little complaints. That wasn’t so bad, right? I’m not the anti-Twilighter. I’m a good fan, I am!!! See, I even wrote some of my complaints directly to Bella, even though she is technically a fictional character. And really, we criticize the ones we love. Right? What? Okay. Excuse me now, I have repenting to do.