izzybella

I’m one of those people who generally looks forward to Friday the 13th.  I seem to have really good days on Friday the 13th.  I don’t know if it’s fate or just some underlying stubbornness in me that’s like “screw-you-bad-luck-day-I’m-having-a-good-day-anyway” or what.  Today has failed me.  Utterly and miserably.  It’s only 9:00 a.m. and I’ve already managed to upset a good friend by buying for myself what she went to great effort to procure for me for my upcoming birthday.  I know how frustrating that is as the gift-giver because it’s happened to me before.  It’s so exasperating and it sucks because you know you are giving someone the perfect gift and then they up and screw it all over.  So I’m having massive guilt feelings.  Not the way to start a day.  I wish I hadn’t told her so enthusastically about my purchase–I could have found a way to return it and we’d all be happier.

And then there are other friend issues (different friend) I’m having to work out and it’s just all…bleh.  I want to crawl back into bed and forget today ever happened.

Then I found out that my job is *again* in jeopordy.  We have our contract signed through next August and it’s really iffy as to whether the contract will be renewed next year.  It almost wasn’t this year.  But now, the entity we contract with is conducting a “fact-finding” meeting with my specific department in order to determine whether our department is something they can replicate in-house.  So even if our contract is renewed next year, I may not have a place in the organization.  It’s all very tenuous and very stressful.

And then, after my trip to AZ and the money it cost, I just got the first of my hospital bills–the parts insurance won’t cover.  I have to somehow come up with $600.  I could completely empty out my savings account, but that’s a depressing thought.  And also depressing that the entire Internet now knows I’m a terrible saver.  It’s just I’m still trying to dig out of the financial hole I got into during school, so it’s hard to save while trying to pay other stuff off.  Whatever.  Money sucks.  Or, to be more honest, not having it sucks.

There’s just too much going on right now and I feel really overwhelmed.  So I guess the only thing to do is to go back to work and try to do the best job I can.

I know, I know, it’s been a while.  I’m pretty much behind on everything.  So without further ado, some randomness and and some ’splaining:

• I did not have a heart attack.  I had pericarditis.  Or something spelled similarly.  I spent about 14 hours in the ER with nothing to watch but the “Misery Loves Company” movie-thon on the Lifetime Network.  (couldn’t figure out how to change the channel with the remote thingie without accidentally calling the nurse instead; and the television was too high for me to reach to change it the old fashioned way).  The “Misery Loves Company” movie-thon could be an entire blogpost in and of itself.  Seriously.  Who enjoys watching overly melodramatic movies about predatory family members and raving lunatic murderers who enjoy first cutting up a woman’s face before the killin’ commences?  Honest, that’s some strange crap.  Anyway, I got an EKG (weird, but not painful), a CT scan (that contrast they inject gives off a weird I-think-I-just-peed-my-pants-even-though-I-know-I-didn’t feeling), a MRI (loud.  claustrophobic. also more of that weird contrast crap) and was sent home with some medication and instructions to come back right away if the pain doesn’t go away or gets worse.  The only truly painful part of the proceedings (the literal kind, not the metaphorical kind involving bad Lifetime movies) was when they ripped the tape off while they were removing the IV.  They took a nice chunk of skin along with it.  I still have a faint tape outline on my arm.  But truly, you would be AMAZED how a fake heart attack can be incentive enough to eat healthily and avoid fried stuff.  I should have had a fake heart attack right when I first started gaining the weight.  I’d have never had this problem to begin with!
• I bought awesome fake jewelry at the theatre fundraiser last weekend.  A fake amethyst ring and another ring with a stone so fake that I don’t think the color actually exists in nature.  It’s a weird shade of green.  Anyway, I love them.  I have been wearing them every day this week.  I don’t wear jewelry very often so that’s saying something.
• Cella got adopted!!!  Only her owner is going to rename her Bella because she has a niece with a very similar name to “Cella” and didn’t want there to be any confusion.  So I must call her Bella from here on out.  Bella’s new mom is out of town for a couple of weeks, but she’ll return on the 18th and will come and pick Bella up on the 19th.  They’re the perfect family for her.  Her new dad is retired and they don’t expect she’ll be alone during the day much more than 2 or 3 hours.  They like to go on daily walks and plan on taking Bella with them.  Their grandkids and nieces and nephews are always over at the house so Bella will have plenty of kids to get love from.  Plus they enjoy training dogs and Bella could sure use some training.  It’s like they were all made for each other.  I’m really happy for Bella, though I have to admit that even though she can be a stubborn little stinker, I’m still going to miss her.  She’s a great big cuddly, loving, sweetheart of a puppy dog.  She deserves this awesome family.
• It’s very quiet in the office today.  Work-mom is out sick still so I have the entire office to myself.  I got the first-checking done in record time and still have to get the data-entry completed.  I’m taking a short lunch to do this post at the behest of my three favorite (only) blog readers.  I’ll shout out, just ’cause I love ya’ll so much…Foi!!!! Sunshine!!!!  Gypsy!!!!!!!  Consider yourselves shout-outed.
• Found a new comic.  (like I need anymore to get addicted to…damn you Lone Star Comics)  This one is called Echo and it’s by Terry Moore.  I have a feeling I may be in the process of falling in a deep Joss Whedon kind of love with Terry Moore.  It’s got these gorgeous intertwined relationships that play out in the most ingenious way.  I thought at first it would be kind of like Stephenie Meyer’s “The Host” the way it was described to me (two conciousnesses–is that even a word–sharing one body), but it’s nothing like it.  Go check it out.    According to the bio, he’s written another comic series called Strangers in Paradise, which I will be checking out.  If he is indeed a Joss Whedon sort, I will probably wind up paying money for a copy of his Gap commercial, should he ever write one.
• On the way to Houston last September for a training conference, I had this conversation with my co-worker about whether or not we would like to meet the people we idolize.  Co-worker was all for it, but I’m strangely hesitant.  I have to admit it would be cool to meet some of the writers/creative types who inspire me.  But I think I would be in such awe that I would have no idea what to say and would both look and feel stupid.  Plus, while I’m aware we’re all human and we all have faults and weaknesses, I’m not sure I want to know what their faults and weaknesses are besides what they choose to share in their creations.  If that makes any kind of sense.  It’s easier to suspend disbelief when I don’t know all that much about them.  However, I reserve the right to change my mind should any of the people who inspire me call up and ask me out for lunch.   

Okay, the randomness ends here.  I have to get back to work.  Hopefully this satisfied the “where the hell have you been” emails I’ve been getting.

It isn’t a good day unless I’ve made a small child cry.  Kidding.  But I did manage to do just that last night.  My friend, R, called up and told me her youngest (we’ll call her FREAKIN’ ADORABLE or FA, ’cause that’s what she is) wanted to come over to my house and pet my dogs.  But last night just wasn’t a good night for her to come over.  When she was told it would have to wait for a better time, she started crying, which then caused her older sister (ALSO ADORABLE, or AA) to start crying.  I felt really bad about it for a while, but then I decided to celebrate my inner meanie, Cruella DeVille style, and boast on the Internet that I made a small child cry.  I’m sure it would be much more convincing if I actually meant it.  I try, but I’m not really a meanie sort of person.

It’s been a while since I blupdated, so I thought I’d log on and share random thoughts and bits.  I’m sure you’re thrilled…:)

First, it is inadvisable to party too late on a work night.  Know why?  ‘Cause you feel all icky the next day and you wind up being late to work and feeling gross and you don’t even make your bed before you leave the house because you’re running so late.  You get to work late and your co-workers and fellow partiers, who are about 10 years younger than you, look revoltingly refreshed and happy like they’ve slept ten hours, and then they make fun of you.  And then your work-mom starts singing strange songs at you to try to get you to laugh, only you’re cranky so it doesn’t work.  So then a co-worker sends an actual photograph via email of a chestnut, knowing that on usual days, the word, “chestnut”, makes you giggle like a fifth grade boy, only it doesn’t work because of the aforementioned crankiness.  And another co-worker (e.g. the best friend) brings you coffee and a slice of lemon pound cake and you have to be grateful, because deep down inside you really are truly and genuinely grateful, but the urge to be cranky is so strong…but you bravely overpower it and thank her, but you still feel pissy.  This is all theoretical, mind you.  I don’t know what makes you think I am talking about myself…Shall we try a new rule of life from tonight?  Never party on a school night.  (apologies to J.M. Barrie for the gross misquotation).

Last night, while I was laying in bed, not sleeping, I heard this scratching sound under my bed that would have terrified me if I was still a little kid.  I got up, turned on the light and investigated.  Turns out Butterfly (the cavelier spaniel) had managed to wedge herself between the leg of my bedframe and one of the plastic storage bins I keep under the bed.  She was trying to get out and couldn’t.  So I had to drag her out, while trying very hard to not hurt her.  It was a job of work, especially with Marcella (the foster dog) getting in my face, all “what’s-going-on-whatcha-doing?” 

If I were the ruler of the universe, I would make it against the cosmic law for any man or woman over the age of 35 to have a pimple.  After thirty-five years of living, one should not have to wake up to a freaking zit constellation on their face.  It’s wrong and evil and should be stopped.  Seriously, I have the big dipper on my right cheek. 

My dad’s coffee is better than $tarbucks.

My big sister is awesome.  No, seriously, she’s made of awesome ingredients and comes served with a side of freaking fantastic.  Everyone should have my sister, but she’s mine, mine, mine.  I don’t actually mind sharing her with a special few, and you know who you are.  But otherwise, I’m selfish and you can’t have her!!!

Speaking of sisters, I have a new one.  Please pause for a moment while I do a little Snoopy dance.  **squee, squee, squee**  Okay, I’m done now.  My redneck brother is marrying his honey this Sunday.  You know how I know she’s awesome?  ‘Cause I KNOW my brother, warts and all, and she is so sweet and good and patient with him, she must be a saint.  Don’t take that the wrong way, Lunatic, you know I love you more than my hardcover Shakespeare folio.  And that’s a lot.  I even love you more than my two limited edition James Christenson Shakespeare prints hanging on my bedroom wall.  And I had those professionally framed.  I’m just sayin.  That’s love.

Okay, this ends today’s randomness.  And in the spirit of J. M. Barrie, here’s the real quotation: “Shall we try a new rule of life from tonight?  Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.”  I think that’s a good rule.

I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Tuesday night with chauceriangirl.  It was a blast.  Before the movie started, we played our traditional game of “Who Would You Do?”  We came up with some really odd choices (for example, Bilbo Baggins or Professor Flitwick) and some truly inspired choicecs (David Tennant’s Dr. Who or Spike).  For many, many years CG’s ultimate who-would-you-do was Spike, but this time, she chose Dr. Who.  You should have seen the look of surprise on her face when she realized Spike had been demoted to the #2 spot.  I think her crush snuck up on her.  It was pretty funny.

The movie started a few minutes late, but it was worth the wait.  I think this is my favorite of all the Potter movies so far.  It was really well done–the actors are all growed up and they let the characters grow up as well.  It was funnier than most of the movies, but also very dark.  It would switch it up fast too, for instance, I was laughing so hard, I was practically crying during Ron’s love potion scene, and then one split second later I was holding CG’s hand anxiously over Ron’s poisoning scene.  Even though I have read the books more times than I can count and knew Ron was going to be fine, I was still anxious.  It was just really well-done.  The only thing lacking was Sunshine’s presence.  It would have been perfect if she’d been there, but at least she was there in spirit.  And she saw the movie that night too, just in her new home town.

I got home very late and had a bit of a difficult time falling asleep.  I think I drifted off sometime around 4:30…  I was due into work by noon the next day, but didn’t even wake up until  11:26.  I called my coworker to tell her I’d be later than noon, but she told me that there was really nothing in the box to check and it was a really quiet day, so I wound up taking the whole day off.  I slept all day-it was AWESOME.  That’ s not something I get to do very often.  I thought I wouldn’t sleep last night for all the sleep I got yesterday, but instead I slept like a rock and woke up naturally (without the alarm clock) about 6:30 this a.m.

I had trouble sleeping last night-my mind wouldn’t shut up.  I don’t know if it’s the darkness or the solitude, but every little problem past and present seems magnified at two in the morning. 

Yesterday, I obtained a copy of my credit report-I do that every year just to review and make sure everything looks good.  I noticed that a joint account I shared with my ex-husband that I thought was closed, wasn’t.  It’s not a huge deal as he’s been paying on the loan, but it should have been closed after the divorce.  I called the bank and they were very courteous, but refused to take my name off the loan since there was a balance owed still.  They recommended I contact J, which is rather difficult for me seeing as how I don’t even know where he lives, much less do I have his phone number.  So they tried calling him and they’re writing him a letter to let him know that he needs to close that loan out and open a new one in his own name.  It’s not a huge issue-J is perfectly reasonable and a decent person.  I’m sure he’ll take care of it.  It’s just that it got me thinking about things.

Most people don’t go into marriage with a contingency plan-I certainly didn’t.  I married him because I loved him.  But I made a lot of mistakes in that marriage that I wish I could take back.  Too late now, obviously.  But at two o’clock in this morning I was curled up in a ball agonizing over stupid things I have done.  Not just in my marriage, but in general.

One thing led to another and I had a mental list going.  It started with J, extended to mistakes I have made with family and with friends, snaked it’s slimy way back to high school (my twenty year reunion, which I can’t go to, is at the end of the month) and all the stupid things I did there.  People I hurt.  Opportunities I didn’t take.  People I could have saved.  Choices I made or should have made-the ways my life was harder because of some ill-advised action on my part.  My relationship, or lack thereof, with God and how I’m angry at Him, and that is the most pointless thing of all–to be angry at God.  But there it is. 

So what do I do?  Do I forget about the two o’clock in the morning despair and say “hey, it’s morning, everything is much better,” or do I do something with the despair?  I guess I’m lucky that I can still feel, that I have a home and family and friends who care deeply for me.  I really hate that 2 o’clock in the morning feeling.

I just got back from the post office to mail (certified mail) my ticket to the municipal court.  Did I mention I got a speeding ticket?  I did.  It was a thrilling way to start last Thursday morning.  I’m requesting probation, which will, provided I don’t get another ticket in the next six months, ensure the ticket is dismissed.  What drives me crazy??  How chipper the officer was.  Like he just didn’t give me a written slap-down, and he’s all “hey, like your new car…hope you have a great day…life is beautiful…”   Yeah, yeah, shut up.  Don’t spread your sunshine over my cloud of grey.  Big happy doofus.  I’m less crabby now.    Honest.

I am at lunch right now.  I brought my lunch today-tuna noodle salad and crackers.  It’s not the ultimate comfort food (that would be macaroni and cheese), but it’s a definite summer comfort food.  And the monster makes really good tuna noodle salad, too.

We’re having a quiet season at work right now.  I’m having to find stuff to do, which I’m not entirely used to.  It seems lately like it’s been feast or famine where work is concerned.  I prefer the feast as it makes the day go by faster.  And work-mom is taking tomorrow and Friday off, so not only will it be slow, it will be super quiet and lonely.  I’ll miss work-mom!!

Texas is hot right now.  It makes me miss Utah a little bit-not that it doesn’t get hot there-it definitely does.  But it doesn’t get quite so humid there.  For the most part, one hundred degrees in Salt Lake City, Utah feels like one hundred degrees with the heat index, not one hundred and nine degrees.  But Texas summer is the price we pay for Texas winter.  Texas winter is awesome.  Unless you love, love, love snow, in which case you’d probably prefer Utah winter.

I’m rambling.  I’m done rambling…

My brother, Lunatic Writer is giving up smoking.  I know how hard a battle (uphill barefoot in the snow both ways) that is for him.  It inspires me, so I made him a deal for our mutual health benefit.  For every day he goes without smoking, that’s a day I will go without eating at a fast food restaurant.  Currently I owe him 70 fast-food free hours.  Wish us both luck…

It’s my Friday!!!  That is good.  The first thing I did this morning was clean up dog poop and dog pee.  That is bad.  I haven’t caught her in the act, but I know it’s our foster dog, Cella. For some reason she’s squeamish about going outside unless we take her out the front yard on the leash.  Apparently she’s too good for the backyard.  If we could just catch her in the act we could “bad dog” her, but “bad dog-ing” her after the fact does no good.  She has no idea what she’s being reprimanded for.  Ah, the joys of pet ownership…

On the plus side, today is my Friday.  As of 6:30 this evening, my weekend begins.  I have huge plans…HUGE.  I’m taking Syd to the vet on Friday and doing laundry.  I may or may not go to Six Flags on Saturday, not sure.  I’m kind of not wanting to because of the heat.  I am a it’s-too-hot wimp.  It’s supposed to be in the 100’s.  I fry in the sun.  No pretty tanning for me-nope-I get bright red like a cherry tomato.  Not pretty.

Today is my brother’s birthday.  Happy birthday, lunatic.  (I’m not insulting him…he picked that name all on his own.)

This is all the randomness for today.  Be good and have a good weekend.